Pretentious.

I hate pretentious people. You know the ones. They listen to "the best music" and write the best words and have the most unique thoughts, even though all of these pretentious people with all their "unique thoughts" and "interesting ideals" tend to blend together. Originality is just that: originality. Not at all a hard concept to grasp, and yet some people still work so hard at it.

How could I break such a heart?

Baby doesn't dance in the dark,
Cause when he's looking she falls apart.
Her boyfriend says she's a mess, she's a mess.



Bad day.
Parents don't understand me more than usual and I'm losing my friends. I miss middle school. Hell, I miss elementary; pre-school. Anything is better than this rut I'm stuck in. And I'm getting fatter, I swear. Just what I need.

Sometimes love comes around,

And it knocks you down, just get back up.


I've had the most awful few days ever.
Like, I have not been this depressed in so long, I can't even remember.
I'm pretty sure I've officially loved and lost.




My breath is on your hair,
I'm unaware that you opened the blinds,
and let the city in.
And God, you held my hand, and we stand,
just taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start,
so my arms are open wide.
Your head is on my stomach,
and we're trying so hard not to fall asleep.
here we are, on this 18th floor balcony, and we're both
flying away.

Our hearts were on display,
for all to see. I can't believe this is happening to me.
And I raised my hands as if to show you that I was yours,
that I was so yours for the taking, I'm so yours for the taking.
And, that's when I felt the wind pick up,
I grabbed the rail while choking up these words to say,
and then you kissed me.




I miss you. I miss you SO. MUCH. I would take you back in a second, I have no doubt of it.
Now that I know what it's like to miss the way someone tastes, or the way they feel pressed against your back while you doze, and how they shake. I wish you had never showed me any of it.

Drenched in vanilla twilight

It's been too long. School's been so crazy, and I've had so much to do. I don't even know where to start. Well I do have a few things to say:

Things to cross off my bucket list:

-Getting chased by a cow
-Getting a lapdance from a black guy
-Getting a 22 year old guy to come to my house to watch a scary movie with me


It's been a pretty good school year so far. :)

I joined FFA, FCCLA, Key Club, and Interact, so it's going to be a PERTY BUSY YEAR. D=
But I'm pumped. And I'm sure there will be drama all over the place. But for now it's just really fun. :)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine

And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good


What's hardest, these days - even harder than moving on, and even harder than not waking up every morning to find you already sitting up next to me, awake and smiling down at me, and even harder still than knowing that the voices on the other line will never be yours, and the messages on my answering machine will never be from you - even harder to deal with through all those things is knowing that you never missed me in the first place. You never saw this coming because you never cared. Maybe things would have turned out differently if we had been more careful; been more cautious, but I doubt it. You never wanted this - wanted me. Maybe for a split second, when my hair caught the sunlight just right or when my smile was just bright enough to draw you in, but just for those few, precious moments. But for the most part, I was a plaything. You were bored. And that, obviously, is what hurts most of all.


--

I want to live now. I want to live fast but still appreciate all the little things. I want one hour to last a lifetime, one second to last a century, but I never want time to drag. I want to have someone with me at all times, so I can say I lived and died without ever being alone. I want to never be tired. I want to always remember the things that made me laugh the hardest, made me smile the biggest, made me cry the hardest, and I want to always, always remember those I loved best.

I don't want to miss anyone. I don't want to regret anyone, either. Or anything. I don't want to look back and automatically want to turn away. I don't want to be scared.








--





It's a good thing, tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cold thing you never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

And you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

For the first time, there's no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

But you never were, and you never will be mine

(I saw you at the station, you had your arm around
Whats her name? She had on that scarf I gave you
you got down to tie her laces)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you h always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

"I am the one..and you walked away."

I cried when I made this, and I'm crying now.

I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about this. I just prefer to live in denial.


"It's one of those things where, it's sad for us to know, but at the same time, it's sort of heartwarming to know there's people that love your band that much that they would genuinely be upset that we were splitting apart," Smith said. "And I think that there was absolutely no way to get around that, and we have to keep reminding ourselves of that. And also knowing that it was the right decision, and as me and Brendon are moving forward and I'm sure Ryan and Jon are moving forward too. ... It's unfortunate that there's no way to sort of get around the initial fan reaction, but it makes sense, and it's amazing that they care about our band that much to really feel that way. Hopefully over the next few months, the music will amend that."


Oh, Spencer.

something always brings me back to you

I haven't blogged in forever, and after watching one of my favorite episodes of So You Think You Can Dance so far, I decided now is as good a time as ever to polish this baby off. So get ready for the rant of the life time. (And another rant will be coming soon enough, concerning Panic at the Disco's break up, but I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that yet, and I'm being honest.)

Okay, so the season didn't start out that great; I initially wasn't impressed with that many of the dancers, besides Melissa and Jason and Kayla. However, as it wore on, and as I learned to deal with Mary's grating voice which has never been quite as annoying as it is this season (seriously, she's said like two words at a normal volume all season), I've come to realize that this is honestly the best season yet. It has its share of flops as far as routines go, especially in the hip-hop vein, but what show doesn't? The season's not over yet and I already have such a long list of favorites I don't even know where to start.

Tonight was top 8 night, and there were two dances that stood out to me; Melissa and Ade's contemporary about breast cancer and the Shane Sparks hip-hop routine with Jason and Kayla. Both amazing amazing dances, and I wish the youtube videos were up like, RIGHT NOW. Just check them out in a day or two if you care, and I'll post them when I find them, but they're so good.


Okay, I'm going to stop talking, other than to say I MISS KUPONO, UGH.
These are my favorites so far:

OKAY NEVERMIND none of the videos work anymore.

Jonathan! What a cutie. I miss him too. He wasn't a GREAT dancer, but he conveyed emotion well, and this was amazing amazing amazing.


That's all for now. Anyone who hasn't watched it needs to FREAKIN' TUNE IN. Tomorrow's the results shows for the top 8 and I'm pretty sure Evan's going to go, not sure which girl. Jeanette maybe?

Looking at you through the glass,

don't know how much time has passed. Oh, God, it feels like forever.



It's hard dealing with things that you know you shouldn't be thinking about in the first place. All I seem to think about anymore are things that are bad for me, bad for my soul, etc. I think about this, I think about her, I think about him, I think about other people, and all these things are just spiralling out of control inside my head. I'm out of wack. Last year I was more organized than this and I could actually apply myself to one thing; for example, during this time last year I was on a steady diet (if you can call it that, mostly I just didn't eat), I was writing constantly, I was reading books and I could stay focused on them, and I was in touch with all my friends and my friendships were strong and happy. This summer, however... everything's different. I don't know if it's because of what happened during July, or if I just ruined it somehow along the way, or if it's just what happens when someone grows up. My friendships are harder to keep, I can't apply myself to any one thing, I haven't written in forever, my grades are slipping, I'm so out of shape it's embarrassing, and the internet is more entertaining to me than my family(surprise, surprise, there. I think that's always been that way).

Anyway, I just wish I had more will power and I could change the things I wanted to change. Every day, it gets a little bit harder.


In less depressing news, I'm in love with this guy:

I'm sorry for all the lies I told you.

It's cold here, in the city.
It always seems that way.
And I've been thinking about you almost every day.
Thinking about the good times, thinking about the rain.
Thinking about how bad it feels, alone again.
I'm sorry for the way things are in China,
I'm sorry things ain't what they used to be.
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
Cause you're not here with me.
Our friends all ask about you, and I say you're doing fine.
And I expect to hear from you almost anytime.
They all know I'm crying, and I can't sleep at night.
They all know I'm dying down deep inside.
I'm sorry for all the lies I told you. I'm sorry for the things I didn't say.
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
I can't believe you went away.

I'm sorry if I took some things for granted.
I'm sorry for the things I put on you.
More than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
For living without you.

Im Sorry - John Denver


I miss you.

Every day. Keeping you a secret is the hardest thing I've ever done. Almost as hard as letting you go in the first place.

I wish that we could give it a go.

Guys, it's the legit FIRST DAY OF SUMMER.

I just might cry from happiness.


My plans for this summer include:

1. Lose 25 pounds.
2. Get a car.
3. Maintain all my friendships and maybe get some new ones.
4. Finish my summer assignments early.
5. Write.
6. Read books, and not just the ones I'm assigned.


That's basically it. The rest of it's going to a romp. :D
Haha, romp.

"You invited him to BED?"

"Ridiculous, isn't it? We never would have all fit."


Oh my God, I love the Mortal Instruments books. They're so amazing. My new favorite books ever.

It's so funny.

"I am a bad ass, and I recognize that you, too, are a badass."


Also, my new obsession is Maxxie from Skins, or his real name is Mitch Hewer. He's so HOT.







OHHH, I would tap that so hard.




----
This Is For Keeps

The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever

As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover
I knock three times and hope that my pale complexion won't blow my cover
You answer the door with your innocent face
Would you like to leave this human race, tonight?

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love

My brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust
Your eyes are softer now
and your chin, it drips a bloody color of rust
I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps
Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love

Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love

Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town (eternally)
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down (eternally)

"Maybe Adam can slap it on me sometime."

hehe, Kris Allen and Adam were so doing it.







:)

They're cute.

Oh my God, I have too many obsessions. They're getting hard to balance. But summers coming up! So I'll have plenty of time to exhaust them all.

:)

OH AND HI PHOEBE!! CAUSE I KNOW YOU READ THESE.

I want

to get wasted.


Right now.

I've heard it makes you forget things. Temporarily anyway.

Waiting on an angel.

Today I went to my mom's best friend's son's wedding in Evedale. Needless to say, it was the most redneck thing that I've ever seen. First of all, the whole premise of the wedding was that the bride had gotten knocked up and had a kid with the groom, so they had no choice but to get married. A shot gun wedding, just perfect for keeping up with that redneck preconceived notion. :)

Then, the wedding itself was held outside of the mother of the bride's trailer, in a white tent with a linoleum roll out dance floor. There was no wedding march, instead there was a country love song ballad as the bride was escorted down the aisle. The groom's cake was a country scene of a lake, with trees and ducks and fish and edible guns. After the wedding, there was a reception in which the guys all gathered around to play washers and guys put back on their muddy boots over their tux pants. The beer was passed around and everyone was laughing and dancing and discussing country music videos and everyone was having a jolly good time.
I might post pictures in my next entry, who knows.

Until next time. :)

Everybody sleeps,

but I haven't done that in the last few weeks or so.




So much in this world is beautiful. Ugh, people are so talented.
That's part of my obsession with being skinny. I feel like being skinny would make me beautiful, and therefore more talented? I don't know. I just want to be something worth this world.

The salt burned you right out of my eyes.

And the secrets we're not proud of were taken with the tide.


People don't know me. I don't even know me.


00000000000000000000

I love how honesty can be beautiful, sometimes.

No one

ever likes the fat girl.

Fat and pretty don't go together, ever.

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad.

Just a quick update.

Things that are amazing:

The Hannah Montana movie. I don't care how much you like deep movies or how stupid you thing Miley Cyrus is, the movie is cute, and well made, and adorable. I loved it.


Jesus Ramirez. I just spent four hours with him "working on a project," but we actually watched Twilight together and played soccer in the backyard with an exercise ball.


My friends, because they love me even though I'm awkward and stupid and unfunny.


Also, my life in general. Sometimes I have a lot to complain about, but then other times I'm just like, why do I ever complain? I'm probably going to be put in a nuthouse one day.


New movies that everyone needs to see:
Changeling. Such a powerful movie.
Henry Poole is Here.


that's all for now.


:)

Later guys.

take me back to way back when,

back to parking lots and friends.


so much for updating every day...
Well, yesterday I forgot because I was gone most of the day.
I went to go see Forever The Sickest Kids, Thee Armada, The After Midnight Project, Dangerous Summer, and Disco Curtis with Camille. I met most of them and it was a blast. So, recap over. Haha.


Well, tomorrow is the first day of spring break. And what am I going to be doing? Sitting here. I hate how indecisive my parents are. We were going to go to San Antonio, but my mom decided to wait until today to decide, and she says that it's going to be raining for the rest of the day, so going would be "silly." Well, if we would have left FRIDAY, it would have been beautiful the whole time we were there! Ugh.

I want a boyfriend. I need a cuddler.

and girl, i got the feeling that you're feeling something.

I need to start blogging more. Keeping all my raging emotions pent up inside me like a cap on a steam valve is just not working out for me. My, uh, valve has a serious crack forming, so I'm fixing to unload everything. And after this I'll try to update at LEAST once a day. I think it improves my health.


Okay, so, anyway.
This week has been so freaking terrible. Honestly? I spent 4 out of 5 days this week just wishing I was a good enough actress to fake a seizure and get sent home with a new diagnosed case of epilepsy, or something. My week was full of everything bad.

For instance, you know those insults people give you that are roundabout insults? Such as, "That dress is great! It doesn't make you look that fat." Yeah stuff like that. I got a ton of those this week. The only one that I'm going to allow myself to remember is me saying "God, my head looks huge in this picture." and my friend looking at it, and saying "Hey, at least you can work having a big head." I was just frozen in shock and wondering where I found some of my friends at. And then I got tons of other insults that I'm used to from Will and guys like that, but they hurt a lot more than usual because they were piled on with the ones that were hidden behind compliments, and I was just like "UGHHHHH. Why am I here? Why am I at this SCHOOL? I need to be out dying somewhere."


On top of that mild emo stuff, I also just bought a new house because our old one has a tree in it and the one we're in now is more than we can afford and our rent is up anyway. But this new house, we just realized that the insurance is twice as much as our old rent, which we already almost couldn't afford, and its in worse shape than the house we're in now. But we have no choice now, because we're out of time to look for a house. So I'm not going to get anything extra for a WHILE. And I'm going to have to get a job. And my mom's being so emo over all of this. Seriously, she is a drama queen to the max, it's so annoying and brings me and my dad down all the time. This spring break is going to drag. And I mean DRAG.


And then we have this shit with certain people that cannot be named, and someone that I really liked hates me now because of one eensy weensy thing that I should not have brought up. Seriously, there's no way I could have fucked this week up more.




That's all for today.




PS -

lyrics to my favorite song of the day :)


a lovestruck romeo sings a streetsuss serenade,
laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made.
finds a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade,
says something like: "you and me babe, how about it?"

juliet says, "hey! it's romeo! you nearly gamme a heart attack."
he's underneath the window, she's singing, "hey la! my boyfriend's back,
you shoudn't come around here, singing up at people like that."
anyway, what you gonna do about it?

juliet, the dice were loaded from the start,
and i bet, and you exploded in my heart
and i forget i forget the movie song.
when are you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong,
juliet?

come up on different streets,
they both were streets of shame.
both dirty, both mean.
yes and the dream was just the same
and i dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real.
how can you look at me as i was just another one of your deals?

when you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold.
you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold.
you promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin.
now you just say, "oh, romeo! yeah, you know, i used to have a scene with him."

juliet,
when we made love you used to cry
you said i love you like the stars above, i'll love you till i die.
there's a place for us, you know, the movie song.
when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?

i can't do the talk like they talking on the tv
and i can't do a love song like the way its meant to be,
i can't do everything, but i'd do anything for you
i can't do anything except be in love with you.

and all i do is miss you and the way we used to be
all i do is keep the beat and bad company
all i do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
julie i'd do the stars with you any time

juliet,
when we made love you used to cry
you said i love you like the stars above i'll love you till i die
there's a place for us you know the movie song
when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?

a lovestruck romeo sings a streetsuss serenade
laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
says something like you and me babe how about it?




-Matt Nathanson's version of Romeo & Juliet.

I hate my boobs.

Like, honestly, I need to rant about it. Because I never really have explained in depth why I hate them so much. And I'm not going to. I'll just be vague and say that they're heavy and they hurt and i hate them.


HATE.
THEM.


I want to wear big t shirts that make me look skinny because it just kind of cascades over my flat chest and stick arms.


:[

uhoh.

...i'm about to be sixteen.




WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?

I mean, what have i done up to this point thats been of any significance?
nothing cools happened to me, like getting arrested or saving a child from a burning building.

My life can't stay this mundane forever, can it? I feel like im already over the hill.
:(
I need to write a script for a movie or snag a record deal or something.



Since it's the end of the week, I'm going to document all the great things that have happened. :)



Numbero uno:

KELTIE AND RYAN BROKE UP!



(Keltie's a professional dancer, Ryan's the guitarist for Panic at the Disco, for anyone who cares.)

They broke up because, in keltie's words,

"This morning as I got up to make my lover some delicious post vday breakie after seeing a great Billy Joel concert last night, I got roses, and rosepetals on the bed and champange and the whole works, a message came across on his phone. Upon opening this phone it seems he is a cheater, liar and has broken my heart.
I threw that ring in his face. Packed my shit. and Got the hell out. I deserve the stars.

I cannot even speak. yet. All I can do is cry."


And the reason this is such good news is because
a) Ryan's obviously gay and a douche and needs to just go be gay somewhere else.
b) Keltie's too good for him. She annoys me sometimes because she's overdramatic and comes across as trampy a lot of times, but come on, she's hot.




I wish I was a hot professional dancer.

Anyway.


Also, I went to Houston to go see Legally Blonde, which was amazing.
I got the soundtrack and it's like watching the play. AHHHH I'm so in love.




There's "Omigod you guys"
I love this scene. haha

There's more that happened this week but I want to go eat some gumbo so I'm going to eat some gumbo. :)

Tiana and her significant other are engaged now.

HA.

HAHAHHAA.


Both of them are dumbasses. I bet that will be a wedding to remember.



Anyway, I watched American Idol.. Tatiana actually did amazing, which was a little depressing. Because that means she's probably going to get through. I think she was on Prozac or something.


I hope she stays all mellowed out though, because I dont think I can deal with





that for a whole season.


*shudders*



In other news, I fit into size 8 jeans. YEAH, SUCKERS.


These posts are so boring, geez. I need to go get pregnant or something so I can have something to talk about. =/

I hate relationships.

Like, honestly. There's only one relationship that I've ever been in that I've actually enjoyed, and that didn't blow over so well, and if you have no idea what I'm talking about I'm not going to tell you. And I really have no desire to be with anyone else.

And yet I keep lusting over like 50,000 different people throughout my daily life.
It's ridiculous.
I'm so hormonally screwed over.

omg.

my first mosh pit!
I was in like, 4 of them.

Most fun ever. I HAVE ACTUAL BRUISES.
*cheers*

FUCK.

That is all :)

oh my GOD.

my LIFE.

I seriously hate this, right now.
I can't even tell my own blog why I hate it because it's about something that nobody knows about, and I can't risk anybody finding out. I would tell my OTHER blog, but like, no ones even added me on that one, so I'd be telling no one, which defeats the whole PURPOSE of ranting.. I can't rant unless I have somebody that will listen. That's why I like having a ton of people add me on some kind of electronic thing where no one can see my face, like a blog, but not like this one because people know me personally on this, but if they don't know me they don't know what to expect and they don't have any preconceived notions, and then I can rant about things to people who don't even know me. So they can be sympathetic without being like "ewwww, she does that?" But you know.
Whatever.

So I have no one to tell and this whole thing is just spiralling out of control and I can't decide if it's my fault, because I deliberate too much and I'm indecisive, or if it's some other peoples' faults for just making me doubt my own self. All I know is I want out of this situation; I want into a situation where things feel right and I'm finally fucking happy and things go my way without getting them turned around five minutes later so I'm metaphorically faceplanted in the dirt.



Ugh.

i tried to be nothing, but my dreams gave me away.

This weekend has been amazing so far.

This is what it's involved:




Watching A Clockwork Orange at 2 in the morning for the first time in like a year, and remembering why I love it so much.



Watching MGMT perform live on the Sundance channel and singing along to all the songs two hours later at 4 in the morning.


Then I went to sleep for three hours, and then woke up to go to Hot Hearts.







Which by the way was also amazing.

Then Luna came over to my house, and we watched Mirrors, which sucked ASS.




There was this scene where she tore off her own jaw and it was the fakest thing I've ever seen. We made cookies, and then later we took her home and I went to the movies with my fam.




I saw Gran Torino, and seriously cried my eyes out, IN THE THEATER, for the last 30 minutes.Not audibly crying, just this steady flow of tears. And the guy in front of me had his head in his hands and his shoulders were shaking, so I'm pretty sure he was pretty sad too.

I can't find a good enough picture to depict how amazing it was, so I'm just going to post the trailer:





I've also been reading this book, Middlesex, which turned out to be about an hermaphrodite. I didn't know that when I found the book, but I figured it out soon enough. But, I have this tendency to be open to anything, so I kept reading it, and it's really tragic and well written and I'm falling in love with it. Go figure.





I also actually wrote a little, not anywhere on the internet, or on my computer, but in an actual notebook. It made me feel good.



I still have two more days of the weekend left.

I'm so excited.
<3

why do

people walk all over me?


should i just stop being nice?
I guess I could always revert back to the preschool version of myself who punched boys for fun and cut them with my nails.


Heh.

Today was a doozy.

First of all, I'm just going to start by saying I LIKE Obama. Well, okay, I take that back. I don't like him, but I don't DISLIKE him. I don't want him dead. I don't wish death upon him the whole time he's talking about how he wants to make this country a better place. People who don't even want to give him a chance are so close-minded. Don't you guys realize that if he did get shot, like you're wishing for, that this country will be in a full-blown race war? As in, blacks will be killing whites like no tomorrow, white people will be retaliating, and NO ONE will be safe. You act like you don't care about this now, but that's because this country is so fucking quilted. We don't have a war here, in this country. We don't have any diseases, any major natural disasters beyond a hurricane or two. we don't know what it's like. But if he gets shot, this whole country will become a warzone. Personally, I don't want to see that happen.
His speech was amazing, by the way.





=====

Anyway. here's something I read yesterday that I loved, just because I've thought the same thing for months now:

“What is this century good for, really?” Tim asks pensively. He’s sat on the floor next to Jacob, vodka bottle clutched in his hand, and the light outside the window is blotting itself out like tie-dye patterns on an old shirt. They should have known from the start how this night was bound to end. Jacob had this idea that they could go drink red wine on a golf course or push each other round in a shopping cart or something, but Tim just wanted to be home.

Jacob sighs. “You’re talking drunk talk,” he says languidly.

He’s already drunk too much himself, he knows that. They’re listening to Leonard Cohen on Tim’s bedroom floor, drinking from an old vodka bottle Tim found stashed at the back of his wardrobe in a shoebox. The carefulness with which Tim had hidden it made Jacob weirdly nostalgic of a time when concealed alcohol was impressive, although he still knows even now if his mom saw him he’d be placed under house arrest for weeks.

Tim nudges Jacob’s foot. “Seriously,” he says, in his I-may-be-a-little-tipsy-but-I-am-about-to-rock-your-tiny-world-with-this-next-statement voice. “Life sucks.”

Jacob nudges him back. It’s too easy, sometimes. “This century’s important for a lot of things,” he tells him.

Tim snorts. “What’ve we got? No Beatles, no Elvis, no Martin Luther King or Joan of Arc. No big war or protest or movement or scapegoat.”

Jacob wonders how long Tim’s been thinking about this.

“Recession,” Jacob offers. “Economic downturn. Iraq, climate change, Heath Ledger.” Listing all the disasters off on his fingers is like pinching your own arm to try and take your mind off a headache.

Tim rolls his eyes. “Ineffective,” he says, slurring on the words a little. “Our time, this millennium, it’s ultimately… meaningless. Y’know?”

Jacob replies, “Hey, hey. We’re hardly past the first decade yet.”

“Yeah,” Tim nods, “and it’s already trite and mediocre.”

“You read too much,” Jacob tells him.

“You don’t read enough,” Tim counters.

Jacob bangs his head on the edge of Tim’s bed in mock despair. He’s still like that, eyes closed, head turned towards the ceiling, when Tim says, “This century’s not helping anyone.”

Jacob murmurs something stupid, like, “Don’t be like that.”

Tim sighs, quieter. “All this century’s going to do is hurt and waste and fuck things up.”

Jacob smiles weakly. “Thought you said it was too ‘mediocre’ for that?”

Tim brushes the remark off. “Whatever,” he mumbles, taking another harsh gulp of vodka. He winces at the burn and shakes his head sharply, and then adds, “I’m just saying, it sucks to be here.”

Jacob straightens his back up again, to clarify. “You mean,” he starts to ask, “Here?” He waves his arms to gesture the world, the universe. “Or, like,” he rests a hand on the bedpost for balance, and says in a lower voice, “Here?” He means them, this, right now, us.

Tim stares straight back at him, and says, “Not here.” He reaches his arm out to the window and he says, “Here.”


===