I wish i had missed the first time that we kissed.

My wishes/to-do list:

i wish I could be 125 by homecoming.
i wish I could write a best-selling novel and turn it into a series and make enough money to live more than comfortably for the rest of my life.
I wish I could marry a handsome, sweet, intelligent Indian/Arabian man with those DEEP AMAZING EYES THAT ONLY MIDDLE-EASTERN MEN HAVE. DEAR HEAVENS.
I wish for my children, if I have them, to be as openminded and accepting as I am.
I wish for enough time to do everything I want to do before I'm thirty.
I wish I could have abs without working out.
I wish I could extract my memories and put them somewhere where i could look at them anytime i wish. Like the Harry Potter pensieve.
I wish for Harry Potter to have like ten more books following the last one.
I wish for my best friends to remain my best friends forever.
I wish for cristina to come back.
I wish for Waqar to never forget me and always remember how much fun we had in Physics. <3

13 pounds.

I'm getting there.

we can't rewind, we're locked in time,

but you're still mine.


I wish a lot of things could be different about my high school life so far - a lot of stupid things that don't matter, like why didn't I get skinny and try out for cheerleading? Or why didn't I say hi to that person sooner? But what I'll regret more than anything is not paying enough attention. I'm never going to remember some of the funniest things that happened because I've already forgotten them. I feel old and tired already. I hope that my life hasn't already reached it's peak and the rest is all downhill. I guess we'll see.

Some funny things that I still remember and don't want to forget:

- Secret Flaps
- SAT class with Carolina, Cristina, Taylor, Cathy, Hannah, Lindsey, Carter, Sarah, Andie, etc. Funny conversations EVERY DAY.
-Meeting alex and talking about Ugly Diapers.
- Cristina freaking out about Dean Winchester and running through my living room
-Colby talking about Avatars, Alex Schaening, and Pre-Cal class in general. Kevin sneaking out the room to play hacky sack and ms noblitt flipping shit.
-Us thinking we were about to get murdered in the westgate church parking lot.
other stuff ill add later so i can look back on it

maybe thats what happens when a tornado meets a volcano

I follow you home in my head; I see you open your door and sigh as you take in the empty, quiet house, and in my mind I run my hand over your hair and I tell you stupid things to make you smile again. I've never in my entire life seen a smile like yours. I've read books where they would say people's eyes "glimmered" when they smiled, and I've never seen that until I met you. In my mind I'm there to talk to you, walk with you through all the mundane tasks of the day and try to make them somewhat more interesting. It's not really that I want to be doing the stupid tasks, but I want to be near you. I'm more selfish when it comes to you, but I'm more selfless at the exact same time. I'll do anything you want me to do, I've proved that haven't I? But I always have such selfish needs, too; talk to me until I fall asleep, walk me home after work instead of doing what you usually do - instead of disappearing as soon as you clock out with a vague wave over your shoulder. I need you to be with me more hours of the day than is even feasible, or I want you to find a way to make time stop so you can come to me, and never leave. And there will always be more time for us, more time to walk the city streets at night, go see stupid movies and make out through the entire thing, even though we both agreed that was "the trashiest thing we'd ever heard of," and go to Starbucks and sit in the comfy chairs and reminisce about our high school lives and admit our trepidation- no, our paralyzing fear - about college and the rest of our lives.

We're not right for each other, and we never will be. We're from two different worlds, and everything about you is different from me, from your skin to the way you think. I don't know how we would work, or if it would be awkward or insanely passionate or dull or just too odd for you. I can see in you what I've never had in me; all your boldness and wit and your ability to not take anyone's shit or let them see they've hurt you. You're the strongest person I've ever met, and in a lot of ways, too, the most terrifying. You might break my heart, but right now, I'm actually not scared of anything.

i'm not calling you a ghost;

stop haunting me.
i love you so much, im going to let you. kill. me.

Despite the rather morose title, I've been having a rather good life lately.
My weight as of right now is 154, which is 12 pounds of weight loss. I made up with one of my friends who ive been in a fight with since about may. i have my macbook pro. ive met kris allen.
everything just seems to be coming together.
maybe now i can find my muse and start writing again?

maybe.

he's a picture of me, since for the first time ive felt confident enough to post one.

"i can't tell you what it really is;

i can only tell you what it feels like. And right now? It's a steel knife in my wind pipe."


who wouldve ever thought eminems words would give me chills?

I wish I could find my muse. All I want is to be able to sit in front of my computer or a notebook or SOMETHING and be able to make words flow again. It makes me sad. There's so much I want to be able to say but I can't. So many things I want to be able to formulate my thoughts about into something comprehensible, understandable, beautiful.

The true meaning of beauty? I could ramble on for days but I want to be able to talk about it and have it sound as entrancing as it is. Is that a vein of shallowness, wanting everything you say to be cripplingly gorgeous?

I don't know. I would write if I could put my pencil down on the paper(figuratively since I use a computer these days) and have a place in my mind, an idea of where to start.

Ugh.

Senior year of high school.
It's starting very soon.

Im going to New York City in October with my parents,
going to Spain in December to visit Cristina.
Very soon I'll be purchasing a new Macbook Pro with my paychecks I've saved and after that I'll be getting a kindle and a blackberry. All I've wanted seems to be coming my way. And here I am being melancholy because I can't fucking make five words look like they're happy together.

So pathetic.
I'm pathetic.

I need to get a life.




Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that’s alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
that’s alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie


i can’t tell you what it really is
i can only tell you what it feels like
and right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
i can’t breathe but i still fight while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right it’s like i’m in flight
high off of love drunk from my hate
it’s like i’m huffin’ paint and i love it the more i suffer, i suffocate
and right before i’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin’ hates me
and i love it, wait, where you goin’?
i’m leavin’ you, no you ain’t, come back
we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap
whose that dude? i don’t even know his name
i laid hands on her
i never stoop so low again
i guess i don’t know my own strength

[
you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
got that warm fuzzy feeling
yeah them chills used to get em
now you’re getting fuckin’ sick of lookin’ at em
you swore you’d never hit em, never do nothin’ to hurt em
now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em
you push pull each other’s hair
scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
so lost in the moments when you’re in em
it’s the face that’s the culprit, controls ya both,
so they say it’s best to go your seperate ways
guess that they don’t know ya
cause today that was yesterday
yesterday is over, it’s a different day
sound like broken records playin’ over
but you promised her next time you’ll show restraint
you don’t get another chance
life is no nintendo game, but you lied again,
now you get to watch her leave out the window
guess that’s why they call it window pane

[Chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 3]
now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
and we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
but your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though
come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?
told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
next time i’m pissed ill aim my fist at the drywall
next time there won’t be no next time
i apologize even though i know its lies
i’m tired of the games i just want her back
i know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
i’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire


just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but thats alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but thats alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie

theres never any time

for anything anymore.

never any time to see my parents, talk to them like i used to, i can feel myself growing old around them. theres never time to stop and look at myself and control what i do anymore, im just doingdoingdoing. waking up, going to work, coming home, sleeping, repeat. this summer is awful. it took a lot to admit it to myself, but this is my last summer before my last summer before college (and no that sentence is not incorrect) and i think im on the verge of a mental break down.
i lost 12 pounds.
got on the scale today, ive gained five of it back.
cue near mental breakdown.
i cant control anything in my life. im falling in love with someone, maybe more than one someone? which probably sounds stupid but so many people in my life are so beautiful and so fucking unattainable.
im annoyed at everything these days and i no longer seem to have the words to express it. im losing who i am. im turning into a fat dramatic blob of nothing, just like every other fat dramatic blob of nothing in america.
im so twisted.
im so fucked up.
i need someone to talk to but i dont want anyone to talk to. maybe its just because its three in the morning, but doesnt everything feel like its spiralling out of control?
doesn't everything feel like its getting bleaker and bleaker by the second?