Friday, December 26, 2008

Eventually, things will change.

Eventually, my parents will grow enough to realize that I have to be allowed to make a mistake before I learn how to fix it.
Until I do, I'll keep doing the same thing, over and over and over again.
Until I figure out what's right.

A few of my friends, unfortunately, are developing the same habits as my parents.


Sunday, December 21, 2008

if you could at least show me what i want,

that would be enough.

i have an image in my head of quiet conversation
that stretches on for not minutes,
but hours, days, weeks, years,
spanning time while the conversation never loses its
quiet, murmuring, blazing fire.
theres you, next to me, thigh pressed against mine,
and the spark thats growing there isn't a teasing one,
isnt a 'this is only a hint of whats coming next,'
its a 'my thigh is touching yours, i like it,'
and its the most comfortable thing ive ever felt.

its not that you exactly get me, not that you know exactly whats on my mind,
because ive seen enough of this world. i know whats possible, and whats not.
but you understand that we're both trying our hardest
to be something to each other that deserves to be understood.
you breathe honesty, and i breathe it back,
and all the honesty flowing out from both of us is ricocheting in the air,
confused, not used to being out and exposed like this.
but it becomes easier, it flows better. the honesty winds, curls itself
into something much deeper, and warmer.

its not that youre everything that ive ever wanted;
not that ive subconsciously dreamed of you from the second i knew how to dream,
its just that if i had the option
to pick who i dream about every night until the end of time,
you would be it.

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The snow's coming down; I'm watching it fall.

Hey there, it's been a while.
I've been busy (and by busy I mean 'haven't felt like typing in the address to get here'), so I haven't blogged since like forever ago. But to catch you up, it snowed like a week ago! It was the most amazing thing in the world, since this is southeast Texas and I've NEVER SEEN SNOW. GUH.

Also, I've also started doing something very bad. Something that I think that I'm doing to spite my mother, my father, my ex, and a few of my friends as well. It's horrible. I'm not going to say what it is, just that it's not very nice. And it's causing me to feel very distant with everyone close to me.

But, on a brighter note, 4 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Too bad it doesn't even feel like it.

"No one should ever ask themselves that: why am I unhappy?
The question carries within it the virus that will destroy everything.
If we ask that question, it means we want to find out what makes us happy.
If what makes us happy is different from what we have now,
then we must either change once and for all or stay as we are,
feeling even more unhappy."

The Zahir, by Paulo Coelho

Saturday, December 6, 2008

"I'll be glad when you start acting like everyone else."

My mom doesn't stress originality very much, in case you couldn't tell.
I think she secretly hates me.

Mom: "Why do you listen to this music? Why can't you listen to what everyone else listens to? This isn't pleasing."
Me: "'s a guy. With a guitar. Singing about a girl he loves."
Mom: "It's abrasive."
Me: "..."

Whatever, let me just run along and listen to the "normal stuff," but don't complain when I come home singing about the bitches an' hoes.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

My life

is so boring.
And yet stressful at the same time!

This is a schedule of events I have to keep in mind for the next three weeks:

-Vocabulary test probably Thursday.

-Electron Configuration

-Fitnessgram next Wednesday.


-Homework, homework, homework. Test.

World History:
-Paragraph and thesis due Friday.
- project, due MONDAY, the 8th.
- Study Guide due 15th
-Unit Test 16th
-Notecards due sometime in November, current event due the 9th

Computer Science:
-learn how the hell to do programming of any sort.

Friday, November 28, 2008

I'm a little scared.

I'm becoming one of those people who is so obsessed with their weight that they start counting every calorie they eat and then work it off later.

Is it bad that I'm actually grateful I've become this conscious about it?


Thursday, November 27, 2008

Go see it.

I wish I had time to ramble about this movie, but I really don't, because it's 1:19 AM and I had turkey today and I'm seriously about to fall asleep right here.

But I will tell you, I just finished watching Disney Pixar's WALL-E.

It was the most amazing movie I've seen in a LONG, long time. Maybe the most amazing movie ever. If you haven't seen it yet, FIND A WAY TO SEE IT. It made me actually "aww" out loud, laugh out loud, cry and gasp and everything else. That never happens. The crying and laughing part, yeah, but the other stuff? hardly ever. It's a very dark and foreboding film, but it's moving. And it has a happy ending.
So go see it.
You'll feel like you've been touched by genius.

You guys.

I cannot properly convey my love for Key Lime Pie, or for my mother for making it.


Happy Turkey Day.

After Hurricane Ike hit back in September(It was September, right? I don't even remember), my house got destroyed and we moved to a new one. This is my first Thanksgiving in a new house, with my dad who's been giving me the silent treatment for days and my druggie brother and my mom who just remains awesome. Also my grandmother who is slowly losing her memory, and it's the saddest and most horrible thing ever, noticing that she's forgotten how to drive her car, or that she hasn't been to the grocery store in three weeks. But we're making it something special, and everything's going to be fine and marvelous. I hope.

I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving. :)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

a fantasy of sorts.

This is a blog about faith and God. Topics I normally don't discuss, but it was necessary.

This is probably just more of my pretentious blabberings, but it's something that I couldn't get out of my mind, so I wrote it here. (and my other blog, but sometimes I need double outlets.) Anyway, here it is.

A thought hit me, while I was in the car riding home from a restaurant with my parents. A really heartbreaking version of Auld Lang Syne was playing on a CD my mom had made, and it had all these little soundbites of news reports of wars, murders, and natural disasters. It was a really poignant three minutes for me, even though I don't think my parents meant it to be, it was just the next track on my mom's Christmas CD that she was showing us.

I'm guilty of being, apparently,one of the worst things a person can ever be if they care for their immortal souls: a skeptic. I don't believe anything unless I see it. And all I see right now, in this world, is corruption with some sporadic goodness throughout. Everyone who sees these good things happen, like a child getting saved from a burning building or a family of kittens being pulled from under some piece of rubble by the neighborhood dog, they say it's like, God just proving that he's still here for us, or whatever. Like it's our daily juice to keep us carrying on.

But that stuff never works for me, unfortunately. I always view it as just a person's natural good will, or chance, or you know, in the case of people - citizenship and natural kindness which is something a person is supposed to have anyway, but what we're seeing less and less of these days. But still, kindness and citizenship are a result of morals, which come from the Bible, but you can be a good citizen and kind and not believe a word of the Bible, so that's why I'm saying that.

Now a part of me knows that this is just me being stubborn and needy, that I should be able to see past these things and see what God, who I have such a hard time believing in sometimes, wants me to see, but I just want to indulge in one of my fantasies for a second, a vision of what I so desperately want to happen that would reassure me in all my faith issues, and make me never doubt again.

So here's my thought. What I would like to see happen, just once in my lifetime, is a full-blown act of God. And I know, I know, I'm supposed to see full-blown miracles in my every day life, but I don't mean something like that. I mean something tangible, something that happens all at once for the entire world.

I had this vision of the clock striking some random time, like 10:06, and the entire world freezing. Not literally freezing, but everyone on the entire globe falling into complete silence and ceasing movement. The animals first, of course, as they're always the most instinctive. The birds and insects and tigers and hyenas and dogs and everything else that makes noise just stops, all at the exact same second. Then, civilization follows. All the cars on the road slow to a stop, wherever they are. The drug dealers and prostitutes look up in shock at the stillness in the air, and fall silent themselves. The people on the half of the world that are sleeping wake from their sleep and sit up in their beds, staring into nothingness without a touch of exhaustion. The factory workers draw back from their levers and ladders and fall quiet, and make their way to the ground without a second thought. The soldiers staying up playing cards or texting their wives to tell them they love them silence their thoughts and put down what they're doing, and stare at each other in understanding. Understanding of what, none of them know yet.

Then, all at once, everyone falls to their knees. I'm talking everyone(everyone that can, I mean. Obviously not those driving a plane or something like that where it's impossible), the murderers crouched over the bed of the couple with two kids sleeping in another room, the drunken couples giggling and walking out the steps of some dingy club, the man who's cheating on his wife, all of them. They all just...go quiet and fall to their knees. There's no shock, it's all natural and slow and relaxed. The air is so silent that it hums, all the words and music and sentences that aren't being released knock into each other in the open air, and vibrate against one another in what would be their quiet to break. Everyone's minds are blank. There is nothing in their brains plaguing them with worry, or fear, or nervous anxiety or embarrassment or anything like that. But there is a sense of serenity. It will be unlike anything anyone in this world has ever felt.

Then, while the entire world is for once without any of the normal human struggles, a simple "thank you" will resonate in the air, clear and synchronized and without a single inflection of anything but humble adoration.

Now after this (flawed and unreasonable) event happens, hypothetically speaking, would everything go back to normal? Or would people actually be truly affected? I hope so, but I honestly have no idea. I just want to see something epic happen to help convince me forever that I am saved and that I am loved.


This is just what I need, another place to vent out all my worries that give me grey hairs at age 15. No but seriously, I did need this. Sometimes Livejournal people intimidate me and no one on myspace gives a damn.

So here I am, and I really am excited.