Friday, July 30, 2010

i'm not calling you a ghost;

stop haunting me.
i love you so much, im going to let you. kill. me.

Despite the rather morose title, I've been having a rather good life lately.
My weight as of right now is 154, which is 12 pounds of weight loss. I made up with one of my friends who ive been in a fight with since about may. i have my macbook pro. ive met kris allen.
everything just seems to be coming together.
maybe now i can find my muse and start writing again?


he's a picture of me, since for the first time ive felt confident enough to post one.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

"i can't tell you what it really is;

i can only tell you what it feels like. And right now? It's a steel knife in my wind pipe."

who wouldve ever thought eminems words would give me chills?

I wish I could find my muse. All I want is to be able to sit in front of my computer or a notebook or SOMETHING and be able to make words flow again. It makes me sad. There's so much I want to be able to say but I can't. So many things I want to be able to formulate my thoughts about into something comprehensible, understandable, beautiful.

The true meaning of beauty? I could ramble on for days but I want to be able to talk about it and have it sound as entrancing as it is. Is that a vein of shallowness, wanting everything you say to be cripplingly gorgeous?

I don't know. I would write if I could put my pencil down on the paper(figuratively since I use a computer these days) and have a place in my mind, an idea of where to start.


Senior year of high school.
It's starting very soon.

Im going to New York City in October with my parents,
going to Spain in December to visit Cristina.
Very soon I'll be purchasing a new Macbook Pro with my paychecks I've saved and after that I'll be getting a kindle and a blackberry. All I've wanted seems to be coming my way. And here I am being melancholy because I can't fucking make five words look like they're happy together.

So pathetic.
I'm pathetic.

I need to get a life.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that’s alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
that’s alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie

i can’t tell you what it really is
i can only tell you what it feels like
and right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
i can’t breathe but i still fight while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right it’s like i’m in flight
high off of love drunk from my hate
it’s like i’m huffin’ paint and i love it the more i suffer, i suffocate
and right before i’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin’ hates me
and i love it, wait, where you goin’?
i’m leavin’ you, no you ain’t, come back
we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap
whose that dude? i don’t even know his name
i laid hands on her
i never stoop so low again
i guess i don’t know my own strength

you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
got that warm fuzzy feeling
yeah them chills used to get em
now you’re getting fuckin’ sick of lookin’ at em
you swore you’d never hit em, never do nothin’ to hurt em
now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em
you push pull each other’s hair
scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
so lost in the moments when you’re in em
it’s the face that’s the culprit, controls ya both,
so they say it’s best to go your seperate ways
guess that they don’t know ya
cause today that was yesterday
yesterday is over, it’s a different day
sound like broken records playin’ over
but you promised her next time you’ll show restraint
you don’t get another chance
life is no nintendo game, but you lied again,
now you get to watch her leave out the window
guess that’s why they call it window pane


[Eminem - Verse 3]
now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
and we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
but your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though
come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?
told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
next time i’m pissed ill aim my fist at the drywall
next time there won’t be no next time
i apologize even though i know its lies
i’m tired of the games i just want her back
i know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
i’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but thats alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but thats alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

theres never any time

for anything anymore.

never any time to see my parents, talk to them like i used to, i can feel myself growing old around them. theres never time to stop and look at myself and control what i do anymore, im just doingdoingdoing. waking up, going to work, coming home, sleeping, repeat. this summer is awful. it took a lot to admit it to myself, but this is my last summer before my last summer before college (and no that sentence is not incorrect) and i think im on the verge of a mental break down.
i lost 12 pounds.
got on the scale today, ive gained five of it back.
cue near mental breakdown.
i cant control anything in my life. im falling in love with someone, maybe more than one someone? which probably sounds stupid but so many people in my life are so beautiful and so fucking unattainable.
im annoyed at everything these days and i no longer seem to have the words to express it. im losing who i am. im turning into a fat dramatic blob of nothing, just like every other fat dramatic blob of nothing in america.
im so twisted.
im so fucked up.
i need someone to talk to but i dont want anyone to talk to. maybe its just because its three in the morning, but doesnt everything feel like its spiralling out of control?
doesn't everything feel like its getting bleaker and bleaker by the second?