Cause you never were, and you never will be mine

And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good


What's hardest, these days - even harder than moving on, and even harder than not waking up every morning to find you already sitting up next to me, awake and smiling down at me, and even harder still than knowing that the voices on the other line will never be yours, and the messages on my answering machine will never be from you - even harder to deal with through all those things is knowing that you never missed me in the first place. You never saw this coming because you never cared. Maybe things would have turned out differently if we had been more careful; been more cautious, but I doubt it. You never wanted this - wanted me. Maybe for a split second, when my hair caught the sunlight just right or when my smile was just bright enough to draw you in, but just for those few, precious moments. But for the most part, I was a plaything. You were bored. And that, obviously, is what hurts most of all.


--

I want to live now. I want to live fast but still appreciate all the little things. I want one hour to last a lifetime, one second to last a century, but I never want time to drag. I want to have someone with me at all times, so I can say I lived and died without ever being alone. I want to never be tired. I want to always remember the things that made me laugh the hardest, made me smile the biggest, made me cry the hardest, and I want to always, always remember those I loved best.

I don't want to miss anyone. I don't want to regret anyone, either. Or anything. I don't want to look back and automatically want to turn away. I don't want to be scared.








--





It's a good thing, tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cold thing you never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

And you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

For the first time, there's no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

But you never were, and you never will be mine

(I saw you at the station, you had your arm around
Whats her name? She had on that scarf I gave you
you got down to tie her laces)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you h always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

"I am the one..and you walked away."

I cried when I made this, and I'm crying now.

I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about this. I just prefer to live in denial.


"It's one of those things where, it's sad for us to know, but at the same time, it's sort of heartwarming to know there's people that love your band that much that they would genuinely be upset that we were splitting apart," Smith said. "And I think that there was absolutely no way to get around that, and we have to keep reminding ourselves of that. And also knowing that it was the right decision, and as me and Brendon are moving forward and I'm sure Ryan and Jon are moving forward too. ... It's unfortunate that there's no way to sort of get around the initial fan reaction, but it makes sense, and it's amazing that they care about our band that much to really feel that way. Hopefully over the next few months, the music will amend that."


Oh, Spencer.

something always brings me back to you

I haven't blogged in forever, and after watching one of my favorite episodes of So You Think You Can Dance so far, I decided now is as good a time as ever to polish this baby off. So get ready for the rant of the life time. (And another rant will be coming soon enough, concerning Panic at the Disco's break up, but I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that yet, and I'm being honest.)

Okay, so the season didn't start out that great; I initially wasn't impressed with that many of the dancers, besides Melissa and Jason and Kayla. However, as it wore on, and as I learned to deal with Mary's grating voice which has never been quite as annoying as it is this season (seriously, she's said like two words at a normal volume all season), I've come to realize that this is honestly the best season yet. It has its share of flops as far as routines go, especially in the hip-hop vein, but what show doesn't? The season's not over yet and I already have such a long list of favorites I don't even know where to start.

Tonight was top 8 night, and there were two dances that stood out to me; Melissa and Ade's contemporary about breast cancer and the Shane Sparks hip-hop routine with Jason and Kayla. Both amazing amazing dances, and I wish the youtube videos were up like, RIGHT NOW. Just check them out in a day or two if you care, and I'll post them when I find them, but they're so good.


Okay, I'm going to stop talking, other than to say I MISS KUPONO, UGH.
These are my favorites so far:

OKAY NEVERMIND none of the videos work anymore.

Jonathan! What a cutie. I miss him too. He wasn't a GREAT dancer, but he conveyed emotion well, and this was amazing amazing amazing.


That's all for now. Anyone who hasn't watched it needs to FREAKIN' TUNE IN. Tomorrow's the results shows for the top 8 and I'm pretty sure Evan's going to go, not sure which girl. Jeanette maybe?

Looking at you through the glass,

don't know how much time has passed. Oh, God, it feels like forever.



It's hard dealing with things that you know you shouldn't be thinking about in the first place. All I seem to think about anymore are things that are bad for me, bad for my soul, etc. I think about this, I think about her, I think about him, I think about other people, and all these things are just spiralling out of control inside my head. I'm out of wack. Last year I was more organized than this and I could actually apply myself to one thing; for example, during this time last year I was on a steady diet (if you can call it that, mostly I just didn't eat), I was writing constantly, I was reading books and I could stay focused on them, and I was in touch with all my friends and my friendships were strong and happy. This summer, however... everything's different. I don't know if it's because of what happened during July, or if I just ruined it somehow along the way, or if it's just what happens when someone grows up. My friendships are harder to keep, I can't apply myself to any one thing, I haven't written in forever, my grades are slipping, I'm so out of shape it's embarrassing, and the internet is more entertaining to me than my family(surprise, surprise, there. I think that's always been that way).

Anyway, I just wish I had more will power and I could change the things I wanted to change. Every day, it gets a little bit harder.


In less depressing news, I'm in love with this guy:

I'm sorry for all the lies I told you.

It's cold here, in the city.
It always seems that way.
And I've been thinking about you almost every day.
Thinking about the good times, thinking about the rain.
Thinking about how bad it feels, alone again.
I'm sorry for the way things are in China,
I'm sorry things ain't what they used to be.
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
Cause you're not here with me.
Our friends all ask about you, and I say you're doing fine.
And I expect to hear from you almost anytime.
They all know I'm crying, and I can't sleep at night.
They all know I'm dying down deep inside.
I'm sorry for all the lies I told you. I'm sorry for the things I didn't say.
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
I can't believe you went away.

I'm sorry if I took some things for granted.
I'm sorry for the things I put on you.
More than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
For living without you.

Im Sorry - John Denver


I miss you.

Every day. Keeping you a secret is the hardest thing I've ever done. Almost as hard as letting you go in the first place.

I wish that we could give it a go.

Guys, it's the legit FIRST DAY OF SUMMER.

I just might cry from happiness.


My plans for this summer include:

1. Lose 25 pounds.
2. Get a car.
3. Maintain all my friendships and maybe get some new ones.
4. Finish my summer assignments early.
5. Write.
6. Read books, and not just the ones I'm assigned.


That's basically it. The rest of it's going to a romp. :D
Haha, romp.

"You invited him to BED?"

"Ridiculous, isn't it? We never would have all fit."


Oh my God, I love the Mortal Instruments books. They're so amazing. My new favorite books ever.

It's so funny.

"I am a bad ass, and I recognize that you, too, are a badass."


Also, my new obsession is Maxxie from Skins, or his real name is Mitch Hewer. He's so HOT.







OHHH, I would tap that so hard.




----
This Is For Keeps

The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever

As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover
I knock three times and hope that my pale complexion won't blow my cover
You answer the door with your innocent face
Would you like to leave this human race, tonight?

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love

My brain is pumping an unusual secretion of lust
Your eyes are softer now
and your chin, it drips a bloody color of rust
I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps
Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love

Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally we'll live our infallible love

Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town (eternally)
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down (eternally)