I wish i had missed the first time that we kissed.

My wishes/to-do list:

i wish I could be 125 by homecoming.
i wish I could write a best-selling novel and turn it into a series and make enough money to live more than comfortably for the rest of my life.
I wish I could marry a handsome, sweet, intelligent Indian/Arabian man with those DEEP AMAZING EYES THAT ONLY MIDDLE-EASTERN MEN HAVE. DEAR HEAVENS.
I wish for my children, if I have them, to be as openminded and accepting as I am.
I wish for enough time to do everything I want to do before I'm thirty.
I wish I could have abs without working out.
I wish I could extract my memories and put them somewhere where i could look at them anytime i wish. Like the Harry Potter pensieve.
I wish for Harry Potter to have like ten more books following the last one.
I wish for my best friends to remain my best friends forever.
I wish for cristina to come back.
I wish for Waqar to never forget me and always remember how much fun we had in Physics. <3

13 pounds.

I'm getting there.

we can't rewind, we're locked in time,

but you're still mine.


I wish a lot of things could be different about my high school life so far - a lot of stupid things that don't matter, like why didn't I get skinny and try out for cheerleading? Or why didn't I say hi to that person sooner? But what I'll regret more than anything is not paying enough attention. I'm never going to remember some of the funniest things that happened because I've already forgotten them. I feel old and tired already. I hope that my life hasn't already reached it's peak and the rest is all downhill. I guess we'll see.

Some funny things that I still remember and don't want to forget:

- Secret Flaps
- SAT class with Carolina, Cristina, Taylor, Cathy, Hannah, Lindsey, Carter, Sarah, Andie, etc. Funny conversations EVERY DAY.
-Meeting alex and talking about Ugly Diapers.
- Cristina freaking out about Dean Winchester and running through my living room
-Colby talking about Avatars, Alex Schaening, and Pre-Cal class in general. Kevin sneaking out the room to play hacky sack and ms noblitt flipping shit.
-Us thinking we were about to get murdered in the westgate church parking lot.
other stuff ill add later so i can look back on it

maybe thats what happens when a tornado meets a volcano

I follow you home in my head; I see you open your door and sigh as you take in the empty, quiet house, and in my mind I run my hand over your hair and I tell you stupid things to make you smile again. I've never in my entire life seen a smile like yours. I've read books where they would say people's eyes "glimmered" when they smiled, and I've never seen that until I met you. In my mind I'm there to talk to you, walk with you through all the mundane tasks of the day and try to make them somewhat more interesting. It's not really that I want to be doing the stupid tasks, but I want to be near you. I'm more selfish when it comes to you, but I'm more selfless at the exact same time. I'll do anything you want me to do, I've proved that haven't I? But I always have such selfish needs, too; talk to me until I fall asleep, walk me home after work instead of doing what you usually do - instead of disappearing as soon as you clock out with a vague wave over your shoulder. I need you to be with me more hours of the day than is even feasible, or I want you to find a way to make time stop so you can come to me, and never leave. And there will always be more time for us, more time to walk the city streets at night, go see stupid movies and make out through the entire thing, even though we both agreed that was "the trashiest thing we'd ever heard of," and go to Starbucks and sit in the comfy chairs and reminisce about our high school lives and admit our trepidation- no, our paralyzing fear - about college and the rest of our lives.

We're not right for each other, and we never will be. We're from two different worlds, and everything about you is different from me, from your skin to the way you think. I don't know how we would work, or if it would be awkward or insanely passionate or dull or just too odd for you. I can see in you what I've never had in me; all your boldness and wit and your ability to not take anyone's shit or let them see they've hurt you. You're the strongest person I've ever met, and in a lot of ways, too, the most terrifying. You might break my heart, but right now, I'm actually not scared of anything.

i'm not calling you a ghost;

stop haunting me.
i love you so much, im going to let you. kill. me.

Despite the rather morose title, I've been having a rather good life lately.
My weight as of right now is 154, which is 12 pounds of weight loss. I made up with one of my friends who ive been in a fight with since about may. i have my macbook pro. ive met kris allen.
everything just seems to be coming together.
maybe now i can find my muse and start writing again?

maybe.

he's a picture of me, since for the first time ive felt confident enough to post one.

"i can't tell you what it really is;

i can only tell you what it feels like. And right now? It's a steel knife in my wind pipe."


who wouldve ever thought eminems words would give me chills?

I wish I could find my muse. All I want is to be able to sit in front of my computer or a notebook or SOMETHING and be able to make words flow again. It makes me sad. There's so much I want to be able to say but I can't. So many things I want to be able to formulate my thoughts about into something comprehensible, understandable, beautiful.

The true meaning of beauty? I could ramble on for days but I want to be able to talk about it and have it sound as entrancing as it is. Is that a vein of shallowness, wanting everything you say to be cripplingly gorgeous?

I don't know. I would write if I could put my pencil down on the paper(figuratively since I use a computer these days) and have a place in my mind, an idea of where to start.

Ugh.

Senior year of high school.
It's starting very soon.

Im going to New York City in October with my parents,
going to Spain in December to visit Cristina.
Very soon I'll be purchasing a new Macbook Pro with my paychecks I've saved and after that I'll be getting a kindle and a blackberry. All I've wanted seems to be coming my way. And here I am being melancholy because I can't fucking make five words look like they're happy together.

So pathetic.
I'm pathetic.

I need to get a life.




Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that’s alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
that’s alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie


i can’t tell you what it really is
i can only tell you what it feels like
and right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
i can’t breathe but i still fight while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right it’s like i’m in flight
high off of love drunk from my hate
it’s like i’m huffin’ paint and i love it the more i suffer, i suffocate
and right before i’m about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin’ hates me
and i love it, wait, where you goin’?
i’m leavin’ you, no you ain’t, come back
we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap
whose that dude? i don’t even know his name
i laid hands on her
i never stoop so low again
i guess i don’t know my own strength

[
you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
when you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
got that warm fuzzy feeling
yeah them chills used to get em
now you’re getting fuckin’ sick of lookin’ at em
you swore you’d never hit em, never do nothin’ to hurt em
now you’re in each other’s face spewin’ venom in your words when you spit em
you push pull each other’s hair
scratch claw hit em throw em down pin em
so lost in the moments when you’re in em
it’s the face that’s the culprit, controls ya both,
so they say it’s best to go your seperate ways
guess that they don’t know ya
cause today that was yesterday
yesterday is over, it’s a different day
sound like broken records playin’ over
but you promised her next time you’ll show restraint
you don’t get another chance
life is no nintendo game, but you lied again,
now you get to watch her leave out the window
guess that’s why they call it window pane

[Chorus]

[Eminem - Verse 3]
now i know we said things, did things, that we didn’t mean
and we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
but your temper’s just as bad as mine is, you’re the same as me
when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
baby please come back, it wasn’t you, baby it was me
maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though
come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?
told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
next time i’m pissed ill aim my fist at the drywall
next time there won’t be no next time
i apologize even though i know its lies
i’m tired of the games i just want her back
i know i’m a liar if she ever tries to fuckin’ leave again
i’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire


just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but thats alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but thats alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie

theres never any time

for anything anymore.

never any time to see my parents, talk to them like i used to, i can feel myself growing old around them. theres never time to stop and look at myself and control what i do anymore, im just doingdoingdoing. waking up, going to work, coming home, sleeping, repeat. this summer is awful. it took a lot to admit it to myself, but this is my last summer before my last summer before college (and no that sentence is not incorrect) and i think im on the verge of a mental break down.
i lost 12 pounds.
got on the scale today, ive gained five of it back.
cue near mental breakdown.
i cant control anything in my life. im falling in love with someone, maybe more than one someone? which probably sounds stupid but so many people in my life are so beautiful and so fucking unattainable.
im annoyed at everything these days and i no longer seem to have the words to express it. im losing who i am. im turning into a fat dramatic blob of nothing, just like every other fat dramatic blob of nothing in america.
im so twisted.
im so fucked up.
i need someone to talk to but i dont want anyone to talk to. maybe its just because its three in the morning, but doesnt everything feel like its spiralling out of control?
doesn't everything feel like its getting bleaker and bleaker by the second?

she says she's tired of life -

we all get tired of something.
Would you catch me if I was falling?
Would you kiss me if I was leaving?
Would you hold me cause I'm lonely?



I know someone's amazing when they make me want to go wax poetic about them on my blog.



Teddy Tedholm. Probably the most talented kid I've seen in a long time. He's so in touch with his emotions - I've never seen someone on SYTYCD dance like him ever.

I'm in love.
This may develop further into a full scale obsession. we'll see.

I love beautiful things.

Here's something beautiful I found. Yes, it's written by a gay guy who's scared to come out, but it's ambiguous enough to relate to so much more. Fear of rejection, fear of nonconformity, fear of responsibility. It's honest and it's raw, and something I haven't seen in a long time.

TRANSCRIPT FOR "THE OTHER"

The voice you’re hearing isn’t me.
The images you’ll see may or may not be.

I am a constellation,
seen by the eyes of millions as something I am not.

Hidden by traffic congestion,
happily avoiding the headlights of your car.
But I’m certain we’ve met.

I was born in a suburb outside a major city.
Raised for marriage and kids.
Protected by police who ticket soccer moms
and property taxes high enough to keep diversity from the country clubs.

Kids can be mean...
Or maybe too honest.
And adults just as bad with less excuse.

You’ve all told me that I’m not normal.
Slightly unnatural.
Unless of course I’m telling a bitchy joke or critiquing your outfit.

I’m not so obvious --
Whatever that means.

No attitude, no drugs
No short shorts or crooked visors.
No showtunes, no Cher, no Madonna.
Okay maybe a little Madonna,
but only in my private time.

I’m married to my work and to changing the world,
avoiding the one most personal to me.

An actor on stage, a man with a camera...
allowing you to see only so much of me.

A past unchanged.
Relationships too strong to discount.

There’s no direct answer I can offer today,
questions hanging above me waiting to crush...

Don’t make me look up.

Why do you need to know?

Besides, no matter what I say,
you’ll still believe what you want to believe.
You obviously know me better than me.
Read the headlines! Spare me the need to explain.

We’ve apparently come so far, yet not if your legs are too lazy to walk.

If things are so good, why am I still ashamed
to scratch an itch that’s not going away?

Why am I too scared to face the lens?

Should I sit at the back of the bus?
Maybe I wont take it at all.

We all have things we don’t know how to face:
High blood pressure, a cheating spouse.
Overbearing parents, fading memories...
An alcoholic uncle who talks too close.

Love. Death.

This one is my obstacle.

I’m not asking you to feel sorry for me.
I don’t and neither should you.

Some know, some someday will.
But why am I ashamed?

I just refuse to be judged as the people who’ve defined me
before I had a say.

Each one of us is a separate sky enclosing a world all our own...

Why should I tell?
Why invite you in?

Knowledge is a gift, not something deserved.

So for now, I’ll remain married to my work
and out to change the world.

...Even if I have to do it alone.

As long as I’m know for the human that I am,
who I want to be.
And not just the other that I don’t.

The imagery you have seen may have been me or not.
But I’m certain we’ll meet.

Maybe one day — some day — I’ll feel proud to tell.
but for now that day seems forever away.


I love it.

---------

And since this is all about gay men today (isnt it always with me?)...

Quotable quotes from my favorite gay of all time, and one of the most insightful, witty men who ever lived: Oscar Wilde.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."

"At twilight, nature is not without loveliness, though perhaps its chief use is to illustrate quotations from the poets."

"Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter."

"I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability."

"The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself."

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing."

"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."

"One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar."

"When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers."

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

"What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."



Ohhhh I love him.

Take shelter, and hide forever.

I really cannot freaking wait until Adam Lambert starts touring. Never have I seen more talent concentrated into one single being. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

But in other news, Sherlock Holmes is still out. How is that even possible? it's been like 2 and a half months. I love it. <3

I made a 1930 on my SAT. I honestly don't know how that happened, but I'm hoping it'll be enough to help me get into Columbia. Ugh, college is looming over me. How scary. :(


Song of the day:
Soaked by Adam Lambert.
It's gorgeous.



Soaked to the bone, sink like a stone.
Walk home alone.
It's not the first time,
It's not the worst crime
Your soul will be okay.

When you've had enough searching for love
And you miss the touch
Of someone new

Burned by your dreams
It's never how it seems
Cold crushed esteem

Take shelter and hide forever
Your soul will be okay.

When you've had enough
Searching for love
But you miss the touch
Of someone new

I've had enough
Searching for love
But I miss the touch
Of someone new

Soaked to the bone
Sink like a stone
I will take you home
It's not the first time
It's not the worst crime
Our souls will be okay.

Pretentious.

I hate pretentious people. You know the ones. They listen to "the best music" and write the best words and have the most unique thoughts, even though all of these pretentious people with all their "unique thoughts" and "interesting ideals" tend to blend together. Originality is just that: originality. Not at all a hard concept to grasp, and yet some people still work so hard at it.

How could I break such a heart?

Baby doesn't dance in the dark,
Cause when he's looking she falls apart.
Her boyfriend says she's a mess, she's a mess.



Bad day.
Parents don't understand me more than usual and I'm losing my friends. I miss middle school. Hell, I miss elementary; pre-school. Anything is better than this rut I'm stuck in. And I'm getting fatter, I swear. Just what I need.

Sometimes love comes around,

And it knocks you down, just get back up.


I've had the most awful few days ever.
Like, I have not been this depressed in so long, I can't even remember.
I'm pretty sure I've officially loved and lost.




My breath is on your hair,
I'm unaware that you opened the blinds,
and let the city in.
And God, you held my hand, and we stand,
just taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start,
so my arms are open wide.
Your head is on my stomach,
and we're trying so hard not to fall asleep.
here we are, on this 18th floor balcony, and we're both
flying away.

Our hearts were on display,
for all to see. I can't believe this is happening to me.
And I raised my hands as if to show you that I was yours,
that I was so yours for the taking, I'm so yours for the taking.
And, that's when I felt the wind pick up,
I grabbed the rail while choking up these words to say,
and then you kissed me.




I miss you. I miss you SO. MUCH. I would take you back in a second, I have no doubt of it.
Now that I know what it's like to miss the way someone tastes, or the way they feel pressed against your back while you doze, and how they shake. I wish you had never showed me any of it.

Drenched in vanilla twilight

It's been too long. School's been so crazy, and I've had so much to do. I don't even know where to start. Well I do have a few things to say:

Things to cross off my bucket list:

-Getting chased by a cow
-Getting a lapdance from a black guy
-Getting a 22 year old guy to come to my house to watch a scary movie with me


It's been a pretty good school year so far. :)

I joined FFA, FCCLA, Key Club, and Interact, so it's going to be a PERTY BUSY YEAR. D=
But I'm pumped. And I'm sure there will be drama all over the place. But for now it's just really fun. :)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine

And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good


What's hardest, these days - even harder than moving on, and even harder than not waking up every morning to find you already sitting up next to me, awake and smiling down at me, and even harder still than knowing that the voices on the other line will never be yours, and the messages on my answering machine will never be from you - even harder to deal with through all those things is knowing that you never missed me in the first place. You never saw this coming because you never cared. Maybe things would have turned out differently if we had been more careful; been more cautious, but I doubt it. You never wanted this - wanted me. Maybe for a split second, when my hair caught the sunlight just right or when my smile was just bright enough to draw you in, but just for those few, precious moments. But for the most part, I was a plaything. You were bored. And that, obviously, is what hurts most of all.


--

I want to live now. I want to live fast but still appreciate all the little things. I want one hour to last a lifetime, one second to last a century, but I never want time to drag. I want to have someone with me at all times, so I can say I lived and died without ever being alone. I want to never be tired. I want to always remember the things that made me laugh the hardest, made me smile the biggest, made me cry the hardest, and I want to always, always remember those I loved best.

I don't want to miss anyone. I don't want to regret anyone, either. Or anything. I don't want to look back and automatically want to turn away. I don't want to be scared.








--





It's a good thing, tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance to promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

It's a cold thing you never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said

And you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

For the first time, there's no mercy in your eyes
And the cold wind is hitting my face and you're gone
And you're walking away
And I'm helpless sometimes
Wishing's just no good
Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you have always keep passing me by

But you never were, and you never will be mine

(I saw you at the station, you had your arm around
Whats her name? She had on that scarf I gave you
you got down to tie her laces)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
(You looked happy and that's great)
No, you never were, and you never will be mine
(I just miss you, that's all)

Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you h always keep passing me by

No, you never were, and you never will be mine
Cause you never were, and you never will be mine
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

There's a moment to seize everytime that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
No, you never were, and you never will be mine

"I am the one..and you walked away."

I cried when I made this, and I'm crying now.

I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about this. I just prefer to live in denial.


"It's one of those things where, it's sad for us to know, but at the same time, it's sort of heartwarming to know there's people that love your band that much that they would genuinely be upset that we were splitting apart," Smith said. "And I think that there was absolutely no way to get around that, and we have to keep reminding ourselves of that. And also knowing that it was the right decision, and as me and Brendon are moving forward and I'm sure Ryan and Jon are moving forward too. ... It's unfortunate that there's no way to sort of get around the initial fan reaction, but it makes sense, and it's amazing that they care about our band that much to really feel that way. Hopefully over the next few months, the music will amend that."


Oh, Spencer.

something always brings me back to you

I haven't blogged in forever, and after watching one of my favorite episodes of So You Think You Can Dance so far, I decided now is as good a time as ever to polish this baby off. So get ready for the rant of the life time. (And another rant will be coming soon enough, concerning Panic at the Disco's break up, but I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that yet, and I'm being honest.)

Okay, so the season didn't start out that great; I initially wasn't impressed with that many of the dancers, besides Melissa and Jason and Kayla. However, as it wore on, and as I learned to deal with Mary's grating voice which has never been quite as annoying as it is this season (seriously, she's said like two words at a normal volume all season), I've come to realize that this is honestly the best season yet. It has its share of flops as far as routines go, especially in the hip-hop vein, but what show doesn't? The season's not over yet and I already have such a long list of favorites I don't even know where to start.

Tonight was top 8 night, and there were two dances that stood out to me; Melissa and Ade's contemporary about breast cancer and the Shane Sparks hip-hop routine with Jason and Kayla. Both amazing amazing dances, and I wish the youtube videos were up like, RIGHT NOW. Just check them out in a day or two if you care, and I'll post them when I find them, but they're so good.


Okay, I'm going to stop talking, other than to say I MISS KUPONO, UGH.
These are my favorites so far:

OKAY NEVERMIND none of the videos work anymore.

Jonathan! What a cutie. I miss him too. He wasn't a GREAT dancer, but he conveyed emotion well, and this was amazing amazing amazing.


That's all for now. Anyone who hasn't watched it needs to FREAKIN' TUNE IN. Tomorrow's the results shows for the top 8 and I'm pretty sure Evan's going to go, not sure which girl. Jeanette maybe?

Looking at you through the glass,

don't know how much time has passed. Oh, God, it feels like forever.



It's hard dealing with things that you know you shouldn't be thinking about in the first place. All I seem to think about anymore are things that are bad for me, bad for my soul, etc. I think about this, I think about her, I think about him, I think about other people, and all these things are just spiralling out of control inside my head. I'm out of wack. Last year I was more organized than this and I could actually apply myself to one thing; for example, during this time last year I was on a steady diet (if you can call it that, mostly I just didn't eat), I was writing constantly, I was reading books and I could stay focused on them, and I was in touch with all my friends and my friendships were strong and happy. This summer, however... everything's different. I don't know if it's because of what happened during July, or if I just ruined it somehow along the way, or if it's just what happens when someone grows up. My friendships are harder to keep, I can't apply myself to any one thing, I haven't written in forever, my grades are slipping, I'm so out of shape it's embarrassing, and the internet is more entertaining to me than my family(surprise, surprise, there. I think that's always been that way).

Anyway, I just wish I had more will power and I could change the things I wanted to change. Every day, it gets a little bit harder.


In less depressing news, I'm in love with this guy:

I'm sorry for all the lies I told you.

It's cold here, in the city.
It always seems that way.
And I've been thinking about you almost every day.
Thinking about the good times, thinking about the rain.
Thinking about how bad it feels, alone again.
I'm sorry for the way things are in China,
I'm sorry things ain't what they used to be.
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
Cause you're not here with me.
Our friends all ask about you, and I say you're doing fine.
And I expect to hear from you almost anytime.
They all know I'm crying, and I can't sleep at night.
They all know I'm dying down deep inside.
I'm sorry for all the lies I told you. I'm sorry for the things I didn't say.
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
I can't believe you went away.

I'm sorry if I took some things for granted.
I'm sorry for the things I put on you.
More than anything else, I'm sorry for myself.
For living without you.

Im Sorry - John Denver


I miss you.

Every day. Keeping you a secret is the hardest thing I've ever done. Almost as hard as letting you go in the first place.

I wish that we could give it a go.

Guys, it's the legit FIRST DAY OF SUMMER.

I just might cry from happiness.


My plans for this summer include:

1. Lose 25 pounds.
2. Get a car.
3. Maintain all my friendships and maybe get some new ones.
4. Finish my summer assignments early.
5. Write.
6. Read books, and not just the ones I'm assigned.


That's basically it. The rest of it's going to a romp. :D
Haha, romp.